Review | 'Pinocchio' (2022): a wooden imitation of the original

Robert Zemeckis directs a remake of the classic “Pinocchio” starring Tom Hanks as Gepetto, an elderly man who creates a wooden puppet that comes to life. Photo by DEVON JAMES, staff photographer

For some people, hearing that their favorite childhood movie is being remade by the director of “Back to the Future” and “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” might produce hopeful nostalgia, with the odds of the new rendition being successful seem high. 

Unfortunately, for fans of the original “Pinocchio” movie released in 1940, this seemingly perfect equation of heartwarming story and talented director equaled a disappointing, disjointed mess of horrible CGI. 

The film, directed by Robert Zemeckis and released to Disney+ Sept. 8, stars Tom Hanks in the role of Gepetto, an old wood carver who is mourning the loss of his wife and son. He decides to build a wooden, marionette puppet who comes to life in the middle of the night thanks to the magic of the Blue Fairy, played by Cynthia Erivo. 

The puppet, dubbed the name Pinocchio since he is made of pine, tells his father that he wants to become a real boy, so Gepetto sends him to school.

Throughout the next hour of the movie, Pinocchio is faced with many obstacles preventing him from living the life of a real boy. He is kicked out of school, kidnapped and forced to join a circus, taken to Pleasure Island where hundreds of children are seen breaking rules and defying adults and is nearly swallowed by a whale.

The original “Pinocchio,” directed by a crew of seven directors, was released with an unbeatable 100% on Rotten Tomatoes, making it the only Disney movie with a perfect score. 

In the past couple of years, Disney has made it their mission to remake every universally loved original Disney movie. The results have been lackluster as they repeatedly failed to live up to the originals. This includes the 2020 “Mulan” which received a 47% audience score on Rotten Tomatoes, 2019’s “Dumbo” which received a 48%, and most recently, “Pinocchio,” which rolled in a 29% from critics. 

But it wasn’t only critics who couldn’t get past the faults of the half-animated film. Movie lovers on Letterboxd, an app used to review and rate movies with friends, shared their harsh opinions on this poorly remade tale.

“Exactly as feared and expected, Robert Zemeckis’ live action retelling of ‘Pinocchio’ is pointless, dull, empty, hollow noise,” one user wrote. “The CGI is mostly terrible, the slight new additions are ultimately useless, Hanks is just there, and it’s as if this version is afraid to give Pinocchio loads of flaws.”

This feedback raises the question of why Disney insists on remaking already near-perfect films, when the only way they can go is down. When a company already executed something that cannot be outdone, it is in their best interest to leave it be. But alas, Disney is known for doing just the opposite. 

Since the film was released on Disney+, it never got the chance to be in the theaters. Disney has used this strategy for other movies such as “Luca” directed by Enrico Casarosa, “Soul” directed by Pete Doctor and “Turning Red” directed by Domee Shi. 

As I settled in to start “Pinocchio,” I felt surprisingly optimistic that it wouldn’t be as bad as some of my friends expected it to be. Seeing as I have no real emotional attachment to the original, I didn’t think I could be disappointed. Unfortunately, it only took about 25 minutes for me to realize this was going to be an awful film.

Hanks, who is a well-respected actor, best known for his roles in “Forrest Gump” and “Toy Story,” fell short as Gepetto with an inconsistent Italian accent. He couldn’t replicate the authenticity of Bob Hoskins from “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” with only nonexistent CGI animation as his co-stars. 

Hanks and Zemeckis have worked on multiple films before, including “Forrest Gump," and after this movie it might be safe to say that the two should go their separate ways. 

Figaro, Gepetto’s pet cat, was created using faulty CGI and animation that immediately takes you out of any charm remaining in the movie and instead draws your attention to this creature who looks out of place. When Hanks would attempt to hold the cat, matters would only be made worse due to Hanks’ hand nearly going through its head.

When Pinocchio is captured and taken to Pleasure Island with the misbehaving children, the directorial decision was made to stray away from the original movie by having the kids drink root beer instead of alcoholic beer and completely omit the smoking of cigarettes. What was once a true portrayal of naughty children now becomes a laughable scene because the audience is supposed to believe Pinocchio is afraid of drinking a little too much sugar. 

Although major plot points were kept the same, this version of “Pinocchio” felt incomplete and confusing. Scenes didn’t seem to make sense together and the strangeness of the movie made it almost impossible to watch. The only redeeming factor was a shot of Gepetto’s cuckoo clocks, all designed based on different Disney movies which added a feeling of nostalgia. For example, one clock had Woody from “Toy Story” popping out of the clock in replace of the usual bird in a cuckoo clock.

“Pinocchio” might be enjoyable to watch for young children who have no real grasp on what qualities must be present for a movie to be good. The downside is the parents who will have to sit with their kids as they insist on rewatching it for the ninth time. 

If you were planning on watching “Pinocchio," you should skip it and go on the Pinocchio’s Daring Journey ride in Disneyland instead.