Review | Drake’s “Certified Lover Boy” is lazy

Drake’s sixth studio album, “Certified Lover Boy,” was released Sept. 3. Photo illustration by SAM ANDRUS, photo editor; original emojis courtesy of Apple

Perhaps the greatest supervillain in the history of the Marvel Cinematic Universe just wanted to chill out in his space garden. 

In “Avengers: Infinity War,” Thanos, the Mad Titan, embarks on a quest to eliminate half of all life from the universe, because like, overpopulation and stuff. To accomplish the task, Thanos scours the  universe’s most powerful objects, the Infinity Stones, barreling through a bunch of superheroes along the way. Eventually, he fills a gauntlet with all the stones, giving him the power to snap his fingers and vaporize a whole bunch of people. He then enjoys a nice little sit and some sightseeing.

“I finally rest,” he said in one scene, “and watch the sun rise on a grateful universe.”

By 2015, Drake, too, had collected all of the Infinity Stones — at least, in this universe — and he was tossing aside competing artists like ragdolls. The year marked the release of “If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late,” in which every line was delivered with the force of one of Thanos’s punches. He, like the Marvel character, was stopping at nothing in his quest to the top.

His 2021 album, “Certified Lover Boy,” feels like he’s finally resting. The record has mostly found a grateful universe of listeners, breaking Spotify’s record for most album streams in a single day. 

Except for me. I am not grateful.

The thing about Drake is that he’ll always make hits. Always. Death, taxes and a Drake song dominating pop culture every year. He could fart repeatedly over some hi-hats and 808s, add a hook begging for the love of an ambiguous woman and the song would go viral. It’s just how it is.

And while “Certified Lover Boy” contains more than its fair share of hits, I couldn’t help but remember the sheer presence and energetic, spiteful delivery he brought to most every song on albums like “If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late.” What used to make Drake so appealing as an artist was his hunger — the drive he brought to every song — combined with some legitimate, melodic talent. 

“Certified Lover Boy,” for much of the album, feels like Drake watching the sun rise and taking some time off, because he knows he’s untouchable. The record is coated in an air of complacency, of musical stagnation, of tracks he’s made a million times before. 

The opening track “Champagne Poetry” is one of the album’s highlights, featuring  an infectious, high-pitched vocal sample and some impressive wordplay. A few minutes in, Drake raps, “This the part where I’ma find a new part of me to explore.”

However, from there on, the part he chooses to explore is one we’ve heard a million times before from Mr. Aubrey: being sexually promiscuous, but in a way that totally, like, respects women.

For God’s sake, the album is literally titled “Certified Lover Boy.” Its cover art displays twelve emojis of pregnant women, an excessively sexual gesture. The man is 34 years old; perhaps the new part of himself Drake should explore is a sense of emotional maturity.

Songs like “In The Bible,” “Love All” and “Pipe Down” are coated in autotune and boring. Songs like “Girls Want Girls” contain some of the most gut-wrenchingly atrocious lines ever penned: “You say you a lesbian, girl, me too.” Songs like “Papi’s Home” don’t do much to carry a listener’s attention throughout their duration.

In all fairness, though, the album is actually … good, overall? “Certified Lover Boy” succeeds when Drake buys completely into the regal air he’s crafted for himself rather than let it cast an emotionless screen over his music. “No Friends in the Industry” is one of his best songs in years, with Drake delivering aggressive lines about his status atop the music game while perfectly flowing over an infectious beat. “Way 2 Sexy,” the ultimate Hot Boy anthem, is my pick for the best song of 2021 so far.

But even the brilliance of “Way 2 Sexy” leaves you wanting more, with visions of an album where Drake could’ve bought completely into the confident persona he displays in the song rather than the lazy crooning he devolves into over the course of the project. 

I can’t give “Certified Lover Boy” a bad rating, because it’s not really that bad. But I can be disappointed in it, and in Drake settling for his watch-the-sunset moment, rather than a destroy-the-Avengers mentality. 

Rating: 3 out of 5 paws