Best places to take a dump on campus

Students rate which bathrooms are number one to go number two and which will leave you in the dumps. Photo illustration by DANIEL PEARSON, Staff Photographer

Everybody poops. I’m not sure why so many people have trouble holding conversations about the fundamentals of going number one and number two. My whole life, my dad and I would let out a ‘Hooray!’ when someone had a successful poop and a thundering fart was the cue for a 60-second celebratory dance party.

Even though potty-talk may induce giggles, it really is a serious topic. The most critical aspect of one’s bathroom experience is, unequivocally, the dreaded task of finding the ideal location to do the dirty. Most require a toilet that could be described as a pocket of peace, but finding that on a college campus is rougher than the cheapest brand of toilet paper on an ill-fated tushy. And Chapman is no exception.

Among the crowds of students, the rustling of textbook pages and the clanging of water bottles, it may seem like ‘quiet’ is beyond the vocabulary of Chapman students. But, if one knows the best place to go to the bathroom, there can indeed be some serenity not only for your mind, but also your bladder.

With myself being very picky on deciding the best bathroom, you would think I’m the expert. One might even compare me to George Constanza on Seinfeld when he said, “Anywhere in the city, I’ll tell you where the best public toilet is.” Picking out the best bathroom stall may be intimidating, but with the help of myself and 19 other Chapman students who participated in a survey, we’ve compiled a guide of where you should and shouldn’t park your behind.

Best bathroom on campus:

While there was a wide range of answers, the top dog for bathrooms, with 26.3% of the votes, is at Dodge in Marion Knott Studios. I recently discovered this gem of a bathroom this semester while taking a public relations class. I was in awe of the squeaky clean sinks, and the lighting around the mirror made me feel like I was in a luxurious hotel bathroom. Junior creative producing major Mikayla DeBlaquiere said this is her go-to spot.

“Dodge bathrooms are just always empty, and I don’t like people listening to me while I do my thing, you know?” DeBlaquiere said.

In second place with 15.8% of the votes is the Leatherby Libraries bathroom — specifically the first floor. Grace Whitley, a senior integrated educational studies major, told The Panther this bathroom is  convenient not only due to its location but its relatively quiet volume at all hours. 

“It’s one of the calmest places to be, and I always find that the (Leatherby Libraries) bathrooms are maintained very well,” Whitley said. “It’s very central to campus so you are always near it.” 

Tied for third place with 10.5% of the votes are Beckman Hall and the Keck Center for Science and Engineering. My personal favorite would have to be the restroom in Beckman Hall, not only because I have frequent classes there, but also because it is right next to Starbucks. I don’t know about you, but the urge to use a restroom immediately increases once I take my morning sip of cold brew coffee, so having a comfortable lavatory is mandatory.

Pro tip: If one is looking for a hidden oasis, Chapman alumna Kasandra Zavala, who graduated from the university in 2020 with a degree in business, said the best bathrooms are in the basement of Wilkinson College of Arts, Humanities and Social Sciences. She recalled actively going out of her way to use this bathroom during her time on campus, even when her classes were in other buildings. 

“It was super clean and empty, because there was hardly anyone there,” Zavala said. “It was really nice because it gave me some peace after stressful classes, and I didn’t have to deal with anybody else in the bathroom.”

Worst bathroom on campus:

Unfortunately, there are some stinkers on campus. Whether it’s the scene of clogged toilet paper, empty soap dispensers or dripping-wet sinks, way too many bathrooms on campus look like a murder scene. 

Students ranked Hashinger as the worst place to go to the bathroom on campus, with 36.8% of the total votes. Students responded to this poll by describing Hashinger’s bathroom as “the scariest place in hell,” “too busy” and just plain “dirty.”

In second place with 15.8% of the votes is Doti Hall — a nomination I can personally stand behind. I ran into the building five minutes before my next class after drinking every last drop of water in my Hydroflask. Naively, I thought I could be in and out with time to spare, but I stumbled into a line of six other students patiently waiting to use the two available bathroom stalls, as the other three were marked out of order. Forced to hold in my bursting bladder, I persisted through an hour and 15 minute class period, of which I vividly remember every painful second.

In third place with 10.5% of the votes is Smith Hall. With Smith being one of the older buildings on campus, it would not be completely unexpected for it to have some wear and tear in its bathrooms. But with overcrowded lines and not enough toilet paper, it’s more worth it to run all the way home to take care of business.

Discussions about human feces may seem immature and childish, but this kind of talk is crucial when figuring out the best bathroom. Sure, some people may think a bathroom is completely utilitarian, and therefore aesthetic is deemed arbitrary.  But to me, a bathroom is the one moment of bliss during a hectic day where you can gather your thoughts, shed some tears if needed and even let out a juicy fart — free of judgment. Walking out of an amazing bathroom can make someone feel like a brand new shiny car, and Zavala agrees. 

“When it comes to bathrooms, using the restroom is like your only alone time,” Zavala said. “You need to find a place that is comfortable for you and is your safe space.”