If you had told me back in March 2020 that the pandemic was going to last more than a year — meaning I wouldn’t be able to enter a classroom a single time during my first year of college — I would have never come to Chapman University after I graduated from high school last May.

There’s no reason for me to go to a private university during this time. I should’ve gone to a community college and saved a ton of money while getting nearly the exact same experience.

But now it’s too late.

When the pandemic began during my senior year of high school, I was 100% convinced that everything would be back to normal by the fall semester. When that didn't happen, I was sure we would be back by the spring.

Now, it’s been almost a year since I committed to Chapman, and my second semester is halfway over. I would have never guessed that after this much time, I wouldn’t have set foot in a single campus building.

It’s hard to ignore the pain and difficulty. I know how dangerous it would be to go back to campus, but it’s hard to ignore my selfish desires. I want to have class on campus so badly. Most students can’t wait to “go back” to campus, but I’m counting down the indefinite number of days until I can just walk into my first college classroom.

The extent of my Chapman experience is writing for The Panther, working from my apartment and going to the Student Health Center’s COVID-19 testing site once a week. “Anything Imaginable,” indeed. 

But I’m not unhappy with my decision to come to Chapman. In fact, I’m incredibly happy here. I’ve made wonderful friends and I’m glad to be away from home and on my own for the first time. In hindsight, however, I know it wasn’t the most responsible decision to have made a year ago, and if I could go back I probably wouldn’t have made it.

It’s really hard to justify the cost of a private university when the majority of resources the university can offer aren't available. I mean, even the fitness center at Chapman Grand is closed; I can’t even fully utilize my apartment building, let alone actual campus facilities. Some researchers say that the pandemic won’t fully end until 2024 (the year I’m supposed to graduate, of course), if it even ends at all. At this point, the only thing keeping me going is the hope that I still have a few years left to enjoy a normal college experience, but even that isn’t guaranteed.

As more time passes, however, it seems more and more unlikely that I’ll ever be able to truly have the traditional college experience I’ve dreamed about for years. The unknown possibilities that lie ahead are so draining on not only my mental health and sense of hope, but also my motivation in classes and my satisfaction as a Chapman student. In turn, my choice to come to Chapman seems more and more irresponsible as the pandemic drags on.

No one knows what will happen next; that hasn’t changed. Maybe the virus will disappear and I’ll get three amazing years at Chapman. Maybe I’ll get zero and be part of the first class to complete an entire degree online while paying full tuition for a private university meant to have lectures in person. Who knows? 

No matter how disheartened or disappointed I get, all I can do at this point is keep going.