Every job application is laced with desperation. I can’t get around it. 

No matter the altar I pray at — LinkedIn’s deceivingly calm shade of cyan or Handshake’s deceptively simple, minimalist interface — I’ve found that job or internship hunting is a faith-based endeavor. 

I send an application up into the skies, hoping some hiring manager deity hears my distressed plea. All the while, my mind cycles through a plethora of anxiety-induced thought processes. It’s a lot like going through five stages of grief.

Denial

I’m not really graduating, am I? That’s the first thought that came to my mind when I began applying for jobs. As I dutifully scour the internet for a position that will make those sleepless nights and frantic finals weeks worth it, I can’t help but wish I could remain in the Chapman cocoon just a bit longer. Certainly four years couldn’t have flown by that fast? I’m telling you, freshmen — it does.

Anger

If the enraged clacking of my keyboard into the wee hours of the night is any indication, job applications are infuriating. I started off fresh and doe-eyed, hopeful for my future. Now several weeks in, my eyes are bloodshot, and I think I’m gonna lose it. 

Sending in over 15 applications, only to receive one response is enough to drive anyone to the brink. When there can be over 200 applicants for certain positions, as LinkedIn often so cleanly details in that haunting gray text, I know it’s near impossible to review every single one. But all I’m saying is that, if the recruiters hate me, why don’t they just tell me to my face? 

Bargaining

Okay, maybe it’s me. Perhaps my resume wasn’t detailed enough, or my cover letter wasn’t personalized enough. I understand I’m green, fresh out of college and perhaps a bit inexperienced, but I’m sure If they just gave me a chance, I think they’d like me. 

I may sound desperate, and that’s because I am. 

At this stage, though, at least I’ve secured one interview. Now I get to bargain with a potential employer face to face. I won’t be shy. I’ll lay out all my strengths. I’ll stare in the mirror and practice my response to the “What’s your biggest weakness?” question until my face is blue. Time to woo these recruiters with the grace of a perfect employee that they simply cannot refuse.

Depression

It’s been weeks now. I’m losing morale. I’ve kept a list of all the job applications I’ve sent, but I haven’t checked it for days. Even just a glance at the ever expanding log of applications I’ve sent out into the internet ether and never heard back from could send me spiraling. 

As for that one interview, the waiting game wears on my psyche like coarse sandpaper. This is the part where I ask myself: why did I even choose to go to college? Why didn’t I become a hermit in the woods? Tears ensue. What if I’m not good enough?

Acceptance

Who knows what this final stage will look like? Perhaps it’ll be the actual acceptance of a job offer. Or maybe I’ll decide to take my life in a different direction after college. 

Maybe that career path I always saw myself in, really isn’t for me. Perhaps I’ll decide to travel. No matter the trajectory of the journey, I hope I’ll have at least found peace in knowing that life must go on. The hard work paid off. Time to move onto brighter skies.

I know this isn’t a unique experience; this is a right of passage for all graduating college students. Growth never happens in stagnant waters, and in surviving the tempest of emotions that is putting yourself out there for a job application, hopefully my fellow graduating classmates have learned something about themselves.

At the very least, you can find solace in the fact that you are not alone. Seeing alumni on the other side of this seemingly monstrous hurdle serves as a reminder that it is possible. Trust the process, and you’ll end up exactly where you need to be.