Op-ed: Kumquat now officially better than The Panther

Photo Courtesy of the Kumquat

That’s right, this is an “op-ed” by the Kumquat, only it is more like a “fact-ed” because the Kumquat only deals in 100% cold-hard facts, baby! And we are now proud to state the new, objective fact that is clear to all readers of both publications: the Kumquat is now better than The Panther. 

How much better? Well, by the metric of Instagram followers, we are currently 1,236 better, but that’s actually not what we are talking about in this case (and like, who's counting, right?).

No, in this “fact-ed,” we are stating that the Kumquat, due to recent events, is now better at being a newspaper because we can do things that The Panther can’t! 

That’s right! Look, The Panther boasts some “great” and “impressive” aspects, like “sensible, well-sourced, factual reporting,” a “commitment to journalistic integrity,” and the fact that they have “real news” instead of “made-up bullshit.” Snooze fest, amirite? 

Already, the Kumquat was better since we could f*cking cuss and lie and make sh*t up. But now, we truly are better because of the simple fact that: 

The Panther is no longer a safe outlet to express the freedom of speech. 

This makes us, the Kumquat, the only newspaper on campus that can exist without worrying about administrative repercussions! 

What a bunch of losers, amirite? What kind of lame “student newspaper” CAN’T safely report news on its campus? Ask yourself, what circumstances, and people, create an environment so hostile towards factual reporting that the integrity and future of The Panther is held in question, constantly threatened by the premise of censorship? 

Our answer? We ARE SURE THAT IT HAS NOTHING to do with the FASCIST STATE OF THE GOVERNMENT NOR THE QUESTIONABLE ACTIONS OF OUR DEAN, PRESIDENT DANIELLE STRUPPA. Nothing at all! 

No, yeah, it’s definitely because we are just the better newspaper. 

Also, the fact that our anonymous staff writers don’t have to worry about being deported or expelled due to their political views has nothing to do with it! 

So, yeah, I guess we are just better! TRUTH BOMB!!!!! 

Triumphantly, 

The Kumquat Editorial Team

This article and accompanying media were submitted by an independent group. If you are interested in having your work featured in The Panther, reach out to pantheropinions@chapman.edu.