When I was 17, I was diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). When most people think of OCD, they imagine a person who is very neat — someone who likes things to be color-coded or lined up in perfectly symmetrical rows. While this may reflect the lived experience of some individuals with the disorder, it’s not typical of all people with OCD.

In my case, the OCD is heavily rooted in a fear of getting sick. In response to events that occurred when I was 16- years- old, I gradually developed a paralyzing fear of germs. In order to combat my fear, I obsessively washed my hands and disinfected surfaces. 

It became so debilitating that I was forced to take time away from school and enroll in an outpatient therapy program. There, I had individual and group therapy every day for six weeks. With therapy and medication, I was able to get my OCD under control, return to school and generally begin to function again. 

Only in my worst nightmares did I expect to experience a pandemic in my lifetime. But that nightmare became a reality in 2020. 

After the March 11 announcement that campus was closing due to the pandemic, I locked myself in my bedroom for two days straight with the exception of the occasional bathroom break. Wrapped in the safety of my blankets, I was yet again paralyzed by the fear of getting sick. 

The hardest part was trying to separate which of my fears were rational — given the health hazards that accompany a global pandemic — and which could be attributed to my OCD. For so many years, my fears were irrational and did not represent responses to real threats. But now, the threat was real, and I wasn’t the only one who was afraid of it. 

This whole past year, I worried that my OCD would reprise its role in my life. I worried that my obsessions would consume me again. As the pandemic carried on and I stayed home longer and longer, I was afraid my fear would stop me from ever leaving the house.

When it comes to washing my hands, I used to have a ritual that took anywhere from five minutes to an hour and could be repeated any number of times until I felt “clean.” On the radio, the news and social media, I was being told how I should wash my hands and for how long. I feared that I would fall back into my old habits, as now it felt like they were being validated.

There were periods of time throughout the pandemic when my obsessions did return. I used so much hand sanitizer and washed my hands so often that they became raw and bled. In crowded spaces, I had panic attacks. My first time at the grocery store, I thought about putting everything back and leaving. While a grocery store may seem innocuous, it represented a complete lack of control in my eyes. I had no way of knowing who had been in the store, what they had touched or if they were being safe. I hadn’t been around anyone outside my family “bubble” in months. I wore gloves and a mask, but still didn’t feel comfortable.

With years of battling OCD behind me, I knew how to respond. The years of therapy allowed me to recognize my behaviors. I called my therapist and had remote sessions over the phone. I followed guidelines provided by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, doing all I could to keep myself and others safe. I had to find peace in the fact that I was doing my best. 

I’ve lived through the majority of the pandemic in varying degrees of fear, anticipating that my behaviors would regress. While I did have bad days, I got through them, and I will continue to do so. 

If you are struggling with your mental health, consider these resources:

Chapman Student Psychological Counseling Services phone line: (714) 997-6778

911 or Chapman University Public Safety: (714) 997-6763

To reach a crisis counselor, text "HOME” to 741741

To reach an LGBTQIA+ hotline, text "START" to 678678

To reach a specially trained young people of color crisis counselor, text "STEVE" to 741741

To reach the Orange County WarmLine, call or text (714) 991-6412

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255

Trevor Lifeline: (866) 488-7386