My best memories from Chapman University have been in the newsroom. Journalism was always something I’ve loved, but The Panther became a home for me.

Making friends has never come easily to me. It’s not my favorite thing to admit, but I’m not leaving Chapman with that many friends. Meeting new people and forming close friendships doesn’t come naturally — this is something I’ve always been aware of.

I spend most of my time alone. I worry about what people think of me. I overthink and get nervous that people think I’m annoying when I talk too much, so I keep my mouth shut most of the time.

When I allow myself to branch out, I usually regret it.

“Why did you say that?” “You’re being too loud.” “Everyone wants you to just shut up.” These are the thoughts that usually run through my head when I finally find the courage to speak up.

I’m naturally pretty grumpy. I’m definitely not a happy-go-lucky person. I’m critical, I like to question authority and I don’t like when things don’t go my way. I worry it comes off wrong to most people.

I never thought I'd be able to lead The Panther as editor-in-chief. The EIC leads three meetings, each for over an hour, every week. That’s around 45 hours of just me talking each semester.

I remember thinking, “How will I ever be able to talk for that long?” This was quickly followed up by, “And who would even want to listen?”

It wasn’t easy. Some of the awkward silences early on in the semester were enough to send constant pangs of anxiety through my chest, and after our weekly Wednesday meetings — which notoriously ran long — I always walked out of the newsroom completely exhausted from talking for so long.

But I proved myself to everyone, including the little voice in my head that said I wouldn't be good enough. The Panther had an amazing year, and I accomplished every goal I set for myself.

I started off the year by creating the inaugural ethics, policies and procedures guidelines for The Panther to increase transparency and create a living document in times when the newspaper faces criticism or challenge.

I reinstated The Panther’s print presence on campus, leading the staff to create six print editions that filled the campus newsstands that had been empty since before the pandemic.

The Panther took home four awards from the Society of Professional Journalists’ Mark of Excellence Awards. The Panther won first place for best all-around student newspaper for schools with less than 10,000 students in California, Arizona, Nevada and Hawaii.

I also won a first-place award for breaking news reporting in that same competition.

I was this year’s recipient of the Excellence in Journalism award from Wilkinson College of Arts, Humanities, and Social Sciences, and I’m attending the University of Southern California to get my master’s in journalism starting this summer after being chosen to receive the Annenberg Dean’s Scholarship.

I was the only student worker on campus allowed to work full-time this school year, and I truly put all of myself into this role.

The Panther is what I'm going to miss most about Chapman. Sure, I have memories in residence life working as a resident advisor, and my classes in the School of Communication were great, but nothing has that strong of a hold over me.

In my three years at The Panther, I’ve written quite a few opinion pieces about what it was like to start college during a pandemic, question if I made the right choice, my experience taking a hybrid class and finally starting fully on campus for my second year.

Looking back, the experience hasn’t been that great. My first year was entirely online, I felt like I spent my entire second year trying to get my footing. By the time I got to my senior year — I’m graduating in only three years — I feel like I didn’t have enough time to really lay down roots on campus.

It’s weird being one of the first students to graduate college having been in the high school graduating class of 2020. But I feel like I’m ready to leave Chapman. 

I’ve been seeing other people burst into tears at the thought of leaving the university, their friends and their favorite professors. But I haven’t related. I have a lot of memories at Chapman that aren’t positive. I’m very ready to move on and start fresh somewhere else. I just haven’t really felt like I belonged anywhere on campus.

Except for The Panther. In one of our last meetings, I realized that was the only place I’m going to miss. Suddenly I was the one tearing up as I thought about leaving The Panther and never returning.

I'll never forget my time in the newsroom, the stories I've written or the friends I've made along the way.

The Panther has also helped me grow. I’ve learned to not be so self-critical. I’ve learned to be authentic and real and stand up for myself and speak my mind without second-guessing myself. This role has taken me so far, and I am so grateful for everything the newspaper has given me this year.

Thank you so much to everyone who believed in me, encouraged me or read my work. It's because of you all that The Panther was able to be so successful in its coverage and accolades this year.

I'm so excited to see what comes next for me in my journalism career, but The Panther will always hold a special place in my heart.