Opinion | The problem with microaggressions
Saying that I don’t look gay isn’t a compliment. Telling me I look straight is not a good thing. Let me explain why.
I’m comfortable with my identity as a gay man. I know there’s nothing inherently wrong with that fact. The people I surround myself with agree. They’re allies in the truest sense, they consistently show their love and support for the LGBTQIA+ community and make me feel accepted and loved. I appreciate that and I value that more than anything.
But something that has always bothered me is when people tell me that I “don’t look gay.” Or say something like “you look so straight right now – it’s hot.”
When people make comments like this, they don’t mean to offend me or upset me. For the longest time, I pretended like these comments had zero effect on me. But in the last year, I’ve realized it’s quite the opposite; anytime someone compliments me for appearing straight, it makes me feel insecure about my sexual orientation.
All throughout high school, when I was still trying to understand what it meant to be gay, I valued these comments. I loved when people told me that I looked straight and I hated whenever people told me I looked “especially gay today.” Although I didn’t know it at the time, I found these comments so appealing because of a deep-seated internalized homophobia. I loved hearing that I appeared straight because deep down, I resented the fact that I was gay.
Whenever people told me that I looked straight, and therefore attractive, I believed that there was something inherently ugly about appearing more feminine and more “gay.” This was never the intention of those telling me I looked straight; they were just reflecting on my appearance. But to me, these comments carried the weight that being gay is inherently inferior to being straight.
As I became more comfortable with myself, I grew to resent these comments. I realized that it was perfectly fine if I appeared “more gay” or “less gay” because, at the end of the day, I am gay. That’s nothing to be ashamed of and I know that. But somehow it hurts whenever I’m told that I look “super gay.” And I feel stupid for feeling this way. There are so many other comments that could cause me grief, I shouldn’t complain and whine about compliments that I’m taking the wrong way. Furthermore, it makes me feel guilty for feeling bad, like I’m somehow contributing to homophobia.
But that’s ridiculous. These comments offend me and create an institutionalized homophobic atmosphere. They contribute to the notion that straight people are more attractive than gay people simply because they’re straight. They add to our already heteronormative society.
What does looking “gay” even look like? The idea that gay men are all supposed to fit into a stereotypical mold is demeaning and harmful. There isn’t one right or wrong way to express your sexual orientation or your gender identity, but these remarks would have me believe otherwise.
These comments are known as micro-aggressions. Micro-aggressions are slight remarks that have to do with a person’s identity in a group that’s often stereotyped or marginalized. Although these comments often masquerade as jokes or compliments, they contain an underlying insult. Micro-aggressions can happen to people of all backgrounds, and some groups are calling them out as discrimination so that we can change a broken system.
I’m not going to call someone out for making a simple comment that I look straight. No one means to hurt my feelings or make me feel inferior, so it’d be unfair of me to scream “bully” when someone’s simply misinformed. Which brings me to the point of this column: to educate. To let people know that yeah, it does bother me when people tell me I don’t look gay.