Opinion | Alcohol makes you better at sports

Joe Perrino, Sports Editor

Disclaimer: I am a 21-year-old man (well, child really), so all research for this piece was conducted legally and somewhat safely.

Have you ever noticed that when you have a couple drinks in the system, you’re much better at beer pong, beer dye or any other alcohol-based game you’re playing that requires hand-eye coordination? 

Well, studies show that when ingested, alcohol can actually cause the consumer to develop heightened reaction times, flexibility and dexterity. 

OK, I made those studies up. I just have a hunch. Let me elaborate. 

I’ve been playing golf for 10 years and only recently started playing with any consistency. I’ve never gotten absolutely smashed while on the driving range, but I might have a drink or four to get a little loosey-goosey. 

Interestingly, I’ve found this allows me to take the mental aspect of the game and toss it out the window. Normally, while playing golf, it’s easy for a player to think too hard about physical mechanics, such as their foot placement, backswing or rotation. Alcohol, however, inhibits your cognitive thinking, making it easy to simply rely on instincts to grip it and rip it. 

This especially helps with putting. For me, the less I think about how fast the ball might move on the green or how sloped it is, the better shot I have at having a decent putt. 

I haven’t played golf sober in a while, to be frank, so it is yet to be seen how my confidence will be impacted. But if we look at my mid-to-end round scores — where I start hitting pars rather consistently from holes seven through 14 — they’re much better than the beginning, at which point I have consumed less alcohol. 

Science? Yes.

Bowling while drunk — if done safely — can elicit similar results. 

When I bowl sober, I seem to overthink and fire off too many gutter balls. Yet after a few drinks, my shots are as straight as an arrow; pretty ironic considering alcohol is actually supposed to overturn your equilibrium.

My bowling score usually goes from a 100 in an initial, sober round to 150 in the later rounds. I just need to get warmed up. From the alcohol coursing through my bloodstream.

It’s pretty safe to say that alcohol removes a mental block for me. I over-analyze everything in my life: my girlfriend’s words, my schoolwork and my golf stance. So something to take the edge off and calm me down isn’t a bad thing, as long as it’s in moderation.

I’m even drinking a beer right now to make the ideas come out easier. With a little bit of booze to get the confidence flowing, who knows? Maybe you’ll catch me on the PGA Tour in the coming years. Maybe I’ll win a Pulitzer Prize. Maybe I’ll asddfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

Editor’s note: Joe has consumed one too many beers and has fallen asleep on his keyboard. Please drink responsibly.