Opinion | Let’s go to the driving range: an internal monologue

Joe Perrino, Sports Editor

Over the past few weeks, I’ve taken up the incredibly productive activity of falling down a rabbit hole of golf content on YouTube and TikTok. I’m doing my damndest to become a better golfer — instead of post-grad job hunting — so recently I’ve frequented the driving range to hone my skills. Yet, with such an individualistic activity, I often find myself having strange internal monologues. 

Here’s what goes through my head in a typical jaunt to the driving range, as evidenced by one recent excursion. 

April 10, 1:32 p.m. – sitting at home, watching a San Francisco Giants game

It has been too long since I actually, like, left my house. I could go to the driving range? I want to watch this game, but I guess it'll still be on when I get back. Okay, fine, get your ass up. 

Driving into the parking lot, 15 minutes later

Thank god there aren’t too many people today. I’m not about to take a mat right next to someone else. That would be gross. 

Walking into the shop to get a bucket of balls

Ew, why the heck isn’t this lady working the counter wearing a mask. Whatever. Give me my balls. Wow — she ripped me off me. Didn’t even fill the bucket up all the way.

I am smiling and saying thank you right now, but in reality, this has been a horrible experience and I wish to give you a bad customer service rating if I had access to it. Jerk.

Heading down to an open spot to begin hitting

Perfect, no one is to my right or my left. I can take my mask off in this godforsaken heat. Let’s take out the pitching wedge and get warmed up. 

Oh man, that guy’s worse than my dad after a couple brewskis at the local 9-hole course. 

Hitting my first two shots

Ugh, why have I been hitting so short recently? Come on, you wimp, get some distance. Hang on, let me try that thing that I saw on that YouTube video the other day. Okay, align my foot here, tilt my hands back a little, swing slow at first then fast through the ball.

And … shank. Of course. What should I expect from some guy in his mid-40s making golf content that gets 2,000 views? 

Well, if I want to hit for distance, let’s just break out the driver. Time to play some music. 

Putting earbuds in, listening to DaBaby while attempting to golf. 

Let’s go. Yeah, yeah. Pack in the mail, it’s gone. 

Doing a little shimmy while lining up to hit a tee shot. 

OK, slow and long backswing and fast through the ball. Dang! I keep slicing it. What do I have to do? Yikes, at least I’m not that guy over there, oh my gosh he just hit it — behind him? How is that even possible? Fore!

Taking out irons and attempting to hit with said irons

I think if I went out and played today I’d shoot sub-90. 

Continuing to play in a way that would most definitely not warrant shooting sub-90 

Let’s finish this round off with some more big boy tanks right down the middle. 

Proceeding to hit eight shots directly right

No, I need to end on a good one. 

Pulling out pitching wedge and chipping a nice shot

I am the greatest golfer who has ever existed.