Opinion | Something spiritual

Losing my religious beliefs left me with an emptiness I wasn’t entirely sure how to fill. In college I have discovered that there are more ways to be spiritual than the one my parents taught me growing up. Illustration by WYATT LINCOLN, illustrator 

I was raised Catholic. Both my parents strongly believe in God. They go to church on Sundays. My brother and I used to go with them. Every Sunday since before I can remember, we all dressed in nice clothes and went to church. 

It was a constant in my life. I'm not entirely sure when it stopped for me. 

Emilia Cuevas Diaz, opinions editor

I have very clear memories of being seven years old and reading a "bible for kids" book. I remember reading it over and over again, trying so hard to commit all the stories to memory. Religion used to be a big part of my life. I believed in heaven and hell, in God and the devil. I believed that one day the final judgment would come and we would all be saved if we were good in this life.

I can't exactly pinpoint when my views changed. I guess it was so gradual that it was hard to notice it happening until I was on the other side. I know that one day I looked back and my faith in the religion I grew up in was gone. 

After years of having my entire life shaped by the teaching of Catholicism, I wasn't sure what I believed in anymore. Looking back, I think it's safe to say that the place faith used to occupy in my life was quickly filled with anger. 

I was angry a lot. I was mad at the injustices I saw in the world. I was mad at my parents because they didn't always listen to me and at my brother because sometimes he was annoying. And I think I was also angry at God for abandoning me in this weird and confusing thing we call life.

I eventually channeled most of that anger into one thing: getting as far away from Catholicism as possible. But that was a far more difficult task than I first anticipated. I still had to attend church every Sunday because I lived in my parents' house. I still had to participate in their religion, even when it didn't seem to fit me anymore. 

And so that drive to get away from faith became somewhat ironically the replacement for my belief. And that's how I navigated life for a long time. It just became my default.

It's years later now, and I'm in college. I moved away from home, and now I no longer need to fight my parents to be able to skip church. I no longer need to have conversations about not wanting to pray before a trip or wanting to miss confessions. I thought it would feel good. But instead, I feel empty, in a way. I don't need to fight religion anymore, but I also have no faith in something bigger than myself.

To be completely honest, I'm not too fond of this faith-shaped void I have. But I also don't know how to get rid of it. I tried giving Catholicism another try, but it didn't work. Same with other religions. 

I don't particularly mind my lack of religious faith. But I discovered that I was lacking spirituality. 

I am now exploring a new way of belief. It focuses more on spirituality than a God with a big plan that makes everything fit together perfectly.

While I haven't fully discovered what this means, there's something beautiful about this approach to faith. I get to embody and define what being spiritual means to me, and there's a freedom to it that religion didn't offer that I find very comforting.

Slowly I've been coming up with little rituals to explore this new side of myself I had been disconnected from for a long time, like picking up leaves and releasing them from a high point to symbolize letting go of harmful things.

Having this new space where I can relax and process life is weirdly comforting. And little by little, the void I felt left over from my religious belief is getting smaller and smaller until, hopefully, one day, it's gone, replaced by new beliefs and rituals.